Most of my regular viewers are lucky enough to probably not know what SBC is. So for those of you who do know, forgive me while I enlighten the blessed few. SBC is the evilest phone conglomerate that ever was. They actually used to be SBC Ameritech or something, but their underhanded dealings with customers were so sketchy that they got in major legal trouble, changed their name and tried to clean up their image. And I’ll even admit that they seemed to be doing better. I hadn’t been blatantly ripped off on my phone bill for a few years. Maybe they were improving…

Or not. Now, it looks like they’re up to the same old tricks again. In my phone bill yesterday day, there was a notice saying that my Customer Proprietary Network Information is going to be released to other companies in the SBC “family” (who knows what that means?) unless I opt out by calling this 1-800 number. Seeing how it was only yesterday that I had jumped out of the shower to answer the phone, only to find that I was being called by SBC representatives to offer me a service that I already used, I’m thinking I don’t want anymore of SBC’s retarded family calling me to harass me. So I call the 1-800 number, and the funniest thing happened. After a few seconds of complete silence, I was disconnected. I tried again. Disconnected. I tried today. Disconnnected. SBC gave a f*cking bogus phone number for customers who want to opt out of sharing personal information!!!!! How sketchy is that?! Seriously, is this company run by two-year-olds or something? So if anyone knows how I can sue the crap out of them for violation of federal guidlines, please let me know!

but I know brilliance when I see it. So when I start my own alternative encyclopedia, the first article to appear in it will be this gem that the foolish wikipedia editors rejected:

Locoweed
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Revision as of 18:16, 9 August 2005; view current revision
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Locoweed is another name for marijuana. See cannabis.

Locoweed is a legume-bearing plant, most commonly found in the western United States, that, when eaten by cattle, triggers a nervous system disorder. The most common kinds are species of Astragalus and Oxytropus.

“‘Locoweed’” recently gained popular recognition when it became the subject of a remarkable folk poem written in the mid-1990’s by an obscure poet writing under the moniker “SAM.” This short work was of great importance to persons in botanical and sociolingual studies alike. It is written in a form of old southern vernacular, preserving a cultural crosssection of American usages, yet its subject is the botanical lore that associates locoweed and errant behaviour in livestock. The poem became an overnight classic and is reproduced below with the author’s permission.

“Pome.”

“The cows done et the locoweed

and then they done stampede.

Ah hollered, ‘Git the shotgun, Pa!’

but they’d already trampled Ma.”

Okay, so I’m not the most regular writer on this here blog, but something as charming and brilliant as the hick “Pome” gets posted, I expect some kind of response from folks. It was one thing when no one cared about how evil SBC was. But now I have to ask where have my three or four faithful readers gone? Why have they all forsaken my sad, sad little site?

So after I complain about no one else being around, I go and abandon my site for a good week. Sorry! But I do have an excuse (as always). I’m moving. Yes, after I swore to myself I wouldn’t move again, cheapness has forced me to miserably begin piling my junk into boxes in anticipation of some back-breaking U-haul action this weekend. So postings will be again meagr for a while. But, when I get into the new place, I’m going to have broadband internet access!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! This, in theory, means more cannibalsall goodness for my beloved readers. Rejoice!

In the meantime, I want to share with you a recent experience that has taught me a great deal about the care and management styrofoam. When I was in the 6th grade, I learned that you cannot spraypaint styrofoam because the chemicals in the paint react with the styrofoam and you get a mushy, disintigrating-sytrofoam mess. For most people, I imagine this isn’t a huge problem–how many of us spend our days trying to paint styrofoam? However, it never occurred to me that a similiar reaction might occur if one leaves something rubbery sitting on a piece of styrofoam for some time. Well, folks, it does.

Lesson learned: do not leave your rubber snakes or oil, fat, acid, petrol, and alkali-resistant Doc Martens sitting on top of something styrofoam. The results will be comical at the least.

Now, I realize that I’m just a teeny bit on the misanthropic side. On occasion, I get irritated by my neightbors for rather trivial things. But when someone decides to start moving in to their third floor apartment at ten at night, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that they are just gigantic assholes. Is it really possible that it did not occur to them that slamming doors and slamming furniture around at midnight might piss off their new neighbors? I could maybe cut them some slack if they were moving into a first floor place, with no one under them, and no stairs to tread up and down (although I’d still be pretty ticked about the incessant door slamming), but third floor? Come on. That’s just stupid and obnoxious. Boy are they lucky that I’m moving out myself, because I’m already fantasizing about a big flaming bag of poo in front of their door…