Well, truthfully, I love onions and all their tasty goodness. What I hate is chopping them. I know that a really nasty onion can make everyone’s eyes water, but when I chop onions, tears just stream down my face. More than once, people have seen me post-onion-chopping and thought that a family member had died–that’s how terrible I look once I’ve been around a few juicy onions.

But this evening, after griping about a particularly nasty onion, I learned that there’s something far worse out there: jalapeños. Now, I was not totally ignorant of the jalapeño’s malicious ways when I started working with one this evening. I knew I wanted to remove the seeds so as not to overspice my dinner. And I knew that I should wash my hands afterwards so I didn’t accidentally get spicy jalapeño juice in my eyes. What I did not know was that jalapeños are evil, evil beasts that can spread their firey pain regardless of vigorous handwashing. They can make your poor, unsuspecting face and feel like it’s going to burn off when the sneaky capsaicin somehow infilitrates your innocent little mucous membranes. And then later, once your face has finally stopped feeling like it’s being dissolved by acid, that’s when your fingers will start burning, even though you only chopped up one stupid tiny little jalapeño. Now, of course, after having done my research and read other people’s horrible experiences, I know that I should either wear gloves, or make Trevor deal with the jalapeños (no, I’m not just being mean–he seems to be unaffected by them, or he has some special technique that he’s just never told me about). Either way, I strongly caution all you jalapeño-prepping virgins out there to avoid the vicious little bastards!!

P.S. As per the suggestions on another website, I actually did find that bleach did provide significant relief from the jalapeño burn. Bleach must, of course, be used with great caution and washed off completely, but in a jalapeño emergency, I found it to be worth it.