I have a friend who recently started dating someone she met on eHarmony. I had heard a bit about this dating service before–that it was some wholesome kind of matching service posing itself as an alternative to all the smutty, hook-up oriented online services. This Ward-and-June-Cleaver image was reinforced in my mind by the sappy television ads I saw aired on one of those family/religious networks this weekend. As my curiosity (and boredom) got the best of me this evening, I decided to investigate further.

I was suprised to discover that eHarmony is more than just a wholesome alternative to other skank-a-rific dating services. Instead, it is “the #1 relationship site on the web,” backed by some genuine Dr. Phil-style pseudo-science, a.k.a., the patented Compatibility Matching System. This “scientifically proven” system, created by the “renowned relationship expert” Dr. Neil Clark Warren, analyzes 29 Dimensions of Compatibility to help you and your soul mate find one another, get married, and live happily ever after. Sound too good to be true? Let Dr. Warren’s words of wisdom put your skeptical mind at ease: “Mate selection is the key to a brilliant marriage.” How can you argue with that? The man must be a genius.

So, yours truly couldn’t resist the temptation any longer. I had to get and, more importantly, view my Highly Compatible Matches free. With science on my side, how could I lose? But I must warn ye brave readers, lest the allure of Dr. Warren’s relationship wisdom tempts you to seek eHarmony bliss as well, there’s a “comprehensive, intensive, and fun” FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIX QUESTION form to fill out. Yes, science comes at a high price. Part of the questionnaire’s length is from redundance. Not only do you have to say if you are an over-achiever, you have to say if you’re an under-acheiver as well. You also have to decide difficult things, like if it is important to you that you and your partner enjoy each other’s company. Whoa. I may have to think about that one…

But, faithful readers, I slogged through the questions, answering them as truthfully as possible. I had to know what science would say about my perfect mate. So about 30 minutes later I had finished the last page. “Those very rare individuals” who “share[d] extraordinary levels of compatibililty” with me were just one click away.

“eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants to fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time. ”

Wow. Rejected before I even got started. Well, that’s 30+ minutes of my life that I’m never getting back. Sigh, I guess its back to spending my Valentines Days “celebrating my decision to hold out for my soul mate.” And to think, I was really counting on Dr. Warren. :-P